Friday, November 21, 2008

The guilt of a father


My three year old son and I are close buddies and he, occasionally, refers me as his friend, instead of the usual Ayah. To him, everything is all about Ayah and Ayah, and it’s usually me who can effectively put him to sleep. He is the darling of my heart. In his eyes, I see hope and great expectation, and the summation of that defines what passion is to me.

He is an intelligent, obedient and caring boy who likes to watch Bersamamu, a television programme on the plight and quandary of the pitiable, on TV3.

Knowing that, I, sometimes, had to create an excuse of having to meet and buy foods for the poor and starving people as my exit strategy to leave the house during weekdays. And when that happens, he would immediately consent and even remind me to “beli banyak-banyak ye, kesian dia tak makan”. I am always touched whenever I hear that but work is work and I really have to leave him at home.

But ever since the birth of my daughter last September, I could sense frustration and void in his heart - that Ayah is no longer 100 percent his, that Ayah had to look after a new entry in the family. My wife and I tried to please, play and do all sort we could to cheer him but we know our limitations especially when the new born cries and seeks for response.

I thank to God for the blessed understanding He granted my son, that he seems to comprehend and able to be more independent and does many things on his own. In parallel, my wife and I made a commitment and a pledge never to scold or raise our voice to our son, for he is still young and is now competing for attention. But when mistake happens, the guilt is quite unbearable.

My son is now ill.

Last night, when I was holding and playing with the baby, I noticed a pair of weak and watery eyes examining all I did from atop the bed. That moment – that very moment – that feeling was like me getting hit by a lightning strike or being slammed to pieces by a gigantic boulder.

I immediately put down the baby and kissed my son, hugged him tight and said I love him with all of my heart. He looked at me and nodded, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

This morning, I decided to clock in slightly late. I woke my son up at 7.40 am and asked what he would want for breakfast. He said he wanted to go to KFC and yes we did - we had our morning meal at the 24 hours KFC outlet next to Intan Building in Petaling Jaya. To me, there was no better moment or emotion other than watching him enjoying and devouring the foods he likes.

But that was still not good enough. To you my son: Ayah says sorry.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

syahdu baca ni.

Zuhri Aziz said...

Hang in there bro....

Anonymous said...

What a lovely child you have.

Piggy Singh said...

Salam Saudara,

Children are the most precious gift from Allah swt. They make us see the wisdoms of living.

As we grow older, they are the living proof of our very existance in this world. Love them undividedly, nuture them, teach them good lesson as they are the ones who will shape the future generation.

You've gotta keep this post, and show it to him whenever he can understand.

I'm not yet facing this kind of problem as for now I have only one spoil brat son.

Wassalam.